Questions on love, fear and moving forward.

I think that there are a lot of people who wouldn't see me as a fearful person but really I have been in many ways. I am brave in certain ways. I think nothing of moving across the country by myself. I have driven back and forth across the US a couple of times all alone. I have taken a path is is not necessarily the norm. I think that a big part of the fear is in admitting what I really want out of life. I put a lot of focus on my work. I spent all of my 20's in college. I pushed away certain healthier relationships because I didn't want to be distracted from my school work. I ran away and focused on school because I felt that I really couldn't trust anyone but myself. Maybe that has been my experience in much of my life but that doesn't mean that it has to be my experience for the rest of my life.

The funny thing is that I am a relationship type of person. I like being around other people. I am very loving. I am good at compromise. I really believe that life is about love and our relationships with those around us. Oddly, although I know these things in my heart, I often allowed myself to lead with my head which told me that depending on other people isn't safe.

I am realizing and admitting so many things about myself lately. I am super passionate about certain things like writing, teaching about food, health, balance and related things, studying and practicing shamanism, and doing creative projects. I also love working from home. I love cooking and taking care of those I love. I love children and animals. I don't really care that much about making tons of money, being well known and advancing in my career. I do care about being in an an amazing relationship and being surrounded by friends, love, family and children. I am not sure how to get to some of these points. I am meeting less men now than ever in my life. I have a really hard time with the energy in NY and just want to return somewhere in the western US, although I am not sure exactly where. If I continue to focus on making more money so I can afford to move is that only continuing with my dysfunctional habit of only focusing on work? Those are questions I am marinating in these days.