10 things I learned in 2010

1. Just because someone says or thinks something about who I am, what I believe or what I look like does not mean that they are correct. I am not always wrong and everyone else is not always right.

2. I love to cook and I am actually really good at it.

3. At this point in my life gluten is very bad for me. Life is way more pleasant without it.

4. I really do not like living in NY and that is ok.

5. I am strong enough and capable enough to just do my yoga teacher training now and not keep putting it off. Who cares if I can't do handstands, crazy arm balances and often can't even step my leg up while doing a sun-salutation. Eventually I will probably be able to do all of them.

6. I actually deserve to be happy. Everyone does!

7. I don't have to take every opportunity that comes my way out of fear that I will never get another one. If something doesn't feel right I don't have to do it.

8. I really do not like my hair long. I was so joyful over cutting 12 inches off of it and I hope it helps a lot at Locks of Love.

9. I actually deserve to be loved. Maybe that's because I have kind of learned to love myself.

10. I love kirtan and chanting. My heart is more open than I ever knew possible. Who knew that would be so powerful!

Shocked seems to be the word

I really do not understand this whole blogging thing. After my last post where I said no one reads my blog, I have heard from a lot of people that they do. I was shocked. I am not quite sure why no one seems able to leave comments. To me it looks like everything is enabled. When I really looked around on the dashboard I found out that hundreds of people have checked out my blog. I was blown away. It also makes me really nervous. Seriously, people are actually reading what I have to say. I guess if that is the case that maybe I should come up with something more interesting to write about. Maybe I should get a new battery for my camera. I do an awful lot of cooking, sewing and knitting. I suppose I could share some of those stories.

Oh boy, so much to think about...... on one side I know that I have a lot of good things to share with other people. I have a lot of experience in a lot of areas. I have a ton of knowledge. On the other side I still have all those negative voices that tell me I am bad because I am so far from "normal". I don't eat dairy, meat or gluten. I barely drink at all. I spend my time cooking, doing yoga, meditating, chanting and going to kirtans, sewing and knitting. I don't like bars, superficiality or small talk. I do know that there are a lot of people out there like me. I just don't happen to know many of them. I do have a lot of amazing friends who I love dearly. I just happen to be really different than most of them. While I have actually learned how to enjoy my own company and really don't feel lonely, I know I really want to find my community. I know I do not want to stay where I am.

I am open to suggestions. Hmm, if I can figure out how to actually let people comment that would be great. I am usually described as being an open and friendly person so I really do want to hear from you. Whoever you are!!

Love, Sara

My thoughts on blogging....

Obviously, I don't come here so often these days. I am just not that into it. My camera needs a new battery so I can't really put pics up now. I get bored when I write more topically but I feel self-conscious when I am more intimate with what I write. A few of my friends really pushed me to write it but unless my counter is off, they aren't even reading it. So anyway, for now, I write privately. Maybe that will change so I guess I will keep this up.

I am more of an "in person" type of person. I like to meet people and get to see them and feel their energy. I am trying to spend less time on the computer to begin with. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and where I want it to be headed. Here are some random thoughts.

-I can really see energetically right now the affects of NY on me. I feel like I have to constantly have my guard on. I run into so much anger and rudeness on a daily basis. I wish I could say that I run into peace and love every day but honestly, while I believe there is actually a huge amount of that in the world, there is a more limited amount here. I have been really conscious of sending love out to everyone, even the angry ones and to greet everyone with a smile. Sometimes it helps and sometimes I think it just makes them angrier. Oh well.

-I am at once super excited about yoga teacher training and at once scared to death. My body issues are coming up like crazy. I have huge feelings of not enough-ness. I am not skinny enough, strong enough physically, confident enough and on and on and on. I try to ignore those feelings and not live in them but it doesn't mean they aren't there and I think it is good to acknowledge those things sometimes. For now all I can do is a ton of yoga and hope I start feeling more prepared.

-I am feeling so frustrated lately about weight loss. It seems to slow. It is crazy. I am vegan and gluten free. I eat incredibly healthy. I exercise. I really should be a lot thinner and I am not. Yes, I am thinner than I was a couple years ago but seriously why does it have to be so slow? Ugh, there's that word should again.

-I hate cold weather.

-I really want some land and chickens, goats, angora rabbits, maybe a couple alpacas...I would actually even love to be able to rescue the occasional abused farm animal.

-I had a reading with my totally amazing astrologer a couple weeks ago. I am so happy that I am out of my transit of disengaging from everything. I have learned so much about who I am and what I really want. I am now in the stage of setting up structures in my life that will be there for a long time. That makes me so excited and trying really hard to be patient.

-Speaking of patience...I know a new relationship is coming soon. I keep having dreams about the same guy. I wonder if he is having dreams about me. That is a really hard one to be patient about. (this is one of those things I will stress about writing about on the internet) :)

-I am working on figuring out exactly what I want my work life to look like. I want it flexible and from home much of the time. Some words that come to mind when thinking about this....yoga, meditation, education, cooking, tinctures, herbs, helping families live closer to nature, occasional acupuncture, writing, knitting, sewing...that could go on and on but that's the idea.

-I have decided to totally unplug while at Kripalu for yoga teacher training. No computer at all. I am also thinking of no checking phone either. In an emergency people can call Kripalu or send me a letter. That just sounds so lovely to me. Maybe I will take my address book and a bunch of cards to send out to people. I will go all old fashioned. Ah, I love that thought.


Well, that's what's going on here. I am not sure when I will actually make it back

Opportunity....

After living the last couple years in a limbo of sorts, things are finally moving forward. I have been all set to start yoga teaching training at Kripalu but I may have a job opportunity in a nice little New England town doing just what I spent years training to do and have not actually been capable of supporting myself with. I don't know what will happen but it looks like things could work out.

I have been focusing on doing my yoga training and then heading back out west. For a few years, though, there has been a little voice in my head saying that maybe I should look at New England a little bit more carefully. I decided that if a good opportunity ever arose that I would seriously consider it...and that is what I am doing.

I know it will work out exactly how it is supposed to!

The bad news is you're falling through the air,
nothing to hang on to,
no parachute.
The good news is there's no ground.
-- Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Lots of....

-yoga
-meditation
-listening to krishna Das
-chanting
-cooking
-knitting
-cleaning
-dishes
-laundry
-being outside with dog freaks
-petting cats and dogs
-walking
-chatting
-studying
-journaling
-reading
-giving thanks

How about you?

Many thoughts....

go through my head on nights that I cannot sleep. This doesn't really happen all that often anymore. I am beyond ecstatic to say that. After having difficulty sleeping for most of my 33 years, I am so grateful that sleep is not usually a problem for me at this point in my life. I blame tonight's issue on the very small amount of chocolate I consumed at about 9pm. Seriously maybe my system is getting a bit too pure.

I am listening to Krishna Das as I type. I am pretty obsessed with kirtan right now, especially KD. Yep, at like 1:30 in the morning I am listening to music, singing/chanting, blogging, backing up my computer and just finished yoga. Oh well.

Some things I am thinking about.....

-How much my heart has opened. I am thinking of all my far away friends who I just want to be able to give a hug to. I am thinking of my family and sending them love. I am silently conversing with my granny who passed out of this life 5 years ago but I know she is still hanging around with me.

-I am thinking about my application to Kripalu yoga teaching training and hoping that they give me a big enough scholarship that I can afford to go. I have much faith that it will happen. I let the feelings of not be enough flow through me. Am I skinny enough, strong enough, confident enough to actually go through with it? Deep down inside I know that I am.

- I think of all my animals and pray for their health and happiness. I ask all the angels and guides, Pan and the Nature spirits, and Saint Frances of Assisi to help heal them and clear them of anything that might be damaging and fill them with lots of energy of love, happiness, healing and whatever else they wish for. I wonder if all these entities get tired of me calling to them. I do it all the time with my own animals and with those stray or hurt ones I see anywhere.

- I give gratitude for everything I can possibly think of. Very long list indeed. I am especially grateful for how much my internal landscape has changed and about how much peace I feel.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU ! THANK YOU!

Kindness.

One issue that has been coming up over and over with me is the idea of kindness. A couple of times recently I have been reading some of the blogs that I tend to keep up on. I occasionally read the comments left by readers. I have been noticing all of the negative comments left by others. They are judging how other people choose to live their lives and often being just plain old mean. It makes me kind of want to continue not promoting my blog. I am not sure that I want to leave myself open to that kind of judgement. It has probably been one of the reasons I have been rather slow to update lately.

It just seems that so much of the time I see people being so disparaging of other peoples choices. Food is a big one for this. People think your evil if you eat animal products and crazy and unhealthy if you don't. People think that women are bad if they work out of the house when they have children or that they are lazy if they don't. It can all just be a bit too much for me. Sometimes I really just want to crawl in a little cave and hibernate. Hmm, I guess the season for that it upon us.

I ask everyone..Can't we all be a lot nice and a bunch more accepting of the choices that other people make in their lives?

Exciting stuff.

It looks like it has been a little while since I have been here. I have been doing a fabulous job with my daily yoga practice. I am feeling better physically than I have for years. I will admit that is not simply from the yoga. The whole gluten free thing is really changing my life. I have done it before but never at the same time as no dairy or other animal products. It is working. I have had absolutely no digestive (I won't give the details and be happy for that) issues in the last 9 days. It is amazing and life changing already. My life has really been so affected by getting sick every time I eat anything. People keep asking me how I have the willpower to stay off of animal products and gluten. Honestly it takes no willpower for me. It is so easy. I have huge ethical, spiritual, and health reasons behind not eating anything accept plant-based food which makes it so easy. As far as the gluten is concerned, the fact that I am not in constant pain is a wonderful incentive.

Feeling better is helping me to see more clearly how I want to start moving forward. I am applying for yoga teaching training at Kripalu in the late winter. I am also applying for a scholarship because there is no way I can afford it right now. We will see what happens. I figure if I am meant to do it then it will work out. I am also really thinking and working on the possibility of returning to my much loved San Diego next spring. I have missed it since I left which I never wanted to do. It has a piece of my heart. I think that one of my dearest friends and I can have a whole lot of fun with our idea of a different kind of healing center place. We have some amazing and very exciting ideas. Yay!! I love thinking about all the fabulous things that the future can bring. I also try to be really mindful of also living in the present and learning the lessons that must be learned while hopefully enjoying it at least a little.

October's New Moon!

As I mentioned earlier, I am doing Marianne Elliot's 30 Days of Yoga starting the 7th. I am starting today since it is already the 7th in New Zealand which is where Marianne is. I am setting some intentions for this month to go along with this. Here they are:

-to gain physical strength and feel comfortable starting to go to yoga classes at an ashram near my house
-to feel more grounded and centered
-gain more clarity on where I want to be heading in my life
-to start to feel a little bit more like myself which is a really hard thing for me to do living here in NY
-....to be continued

As well as yoga, I am also going through all of the stuff I own. I was going to set an intention of getting rid of a box or bag of stuff a day but truth be told, I don't have that much stuff to get rid of. I already have set aside 3 bags of clothes so that is a good start.


Ugh, I just looked back at this post and it really bores me. I am not sure exactly what I a trying to say but it is so much more than what is really written here. There is something really deep inside me trying to make it's way out. I guess that all I can really do is to be patient and BREATHE.

A Benedryl haze.

I do not know where this pic originally came from but I found it on this blog which has some really cool design ideas.

My allergies have been horrible for the last couple of months. NY is the only place that I have more severe allergies. In the past, I have had allergies that involve my throat closing and a trip to the ER. This left me with a lot of fear when allergies kick in. When I start sneezing non-stop and my throat gets itchy, I take Benedryl. It is the only thing that works but boy does it make me sleepy. For the last couple of months I have been continuously under the influence of this sleepiness inducing medicine. I am so tired of it. I have all these ideas of things I want to do but then I get tired and can't focus and I have to move onto something else. I am so looking forward to being free from this. I am so done with feeling like I could just fall asleep any second.

Salsa!!

I really think that one of my favorite foods are tomatoes. I eat one or 2 every day during tomato season. THey are so yummy sliced with just a little salt and pepper. A a way for me to continue to enjoy this seasons yummy crop I made some salsa to enjoy into the winter. It is so exciting to learn to can. One day I love the idea of canning much of my own food to enjoy year around.

Change is in the air.

I decided to participate in Marianne Elliot's 30 Days of Yoga from early October 'till early November. I have been needing something to get me more focuses and rededicated to my yoga practice. I want to start attending yoga at an ashram near where I am living but while I have made it to meditation and a kirtan there, I have yet to make it to yoga. I am so comfortable doing yoga at home. I am nervous about going to a class. I am nervous about sun salutations and upward dog which always causes huge suffering in my shoulder and neck. I am nervous about not feeling strong enough or flexible enough. I realize it's rather crazy. I have been practicing yoga for a couple years and it is all an individual journey so there is really no such thing as not enough. I am doing this 30 days of yoga to challenge me a little bit and maybe help calm my nerves and get me to the ashram for yoga by the end of November. If I can only stop sneezing non-stop for a few hours every morning then I can get to the morning meditation too. I could really mess up people's silent meditation with the constant sneezing. I am sure they would love me there. :)
In my never ending quest to feel healthier and get more clarity in my life, I am going to also go gluten free and soy free for the 30 days to see what happens. I don't have much soy but gluten is another story. It will be fun to challenge myself to make yummy vegan, soy and gluten free meals. I wonder what I will come up with.
I am hoping and praying that my life starts to move forward and out of this interesting holding pattern it has been in. Spiritually and emotionally I have made huge gains but I want to be working more with people again. I want to be meeting new people in my personal life. I know that all of the work I have been doing on myself will help me to be so joyful in my life as I start to move forward but I am trying to feel some joy during the process too. Maybe all the yoga will help.

2 things on the journey.

Photo by my amazing friend Megan on our trip to Cumberland Island Georgia.

I cannot figure out how to start this post. I keep typing and erasing. I have something so deep to share that it is so hard to know where to start. In my steps towards growth and change there are a couple of big things I am working on. One is to have my heart so open and full of love for everyone that I stop making judgements about people. I think most people would say I am a pretty open and non-judgemental person but I feel like I have spent a lot of time getting irritated by people and saying how I just can't understand. The truth is that no one really needs to understand why anyone else does something. We can never truly know what is inside anyone else. We are all our own people on our own journey's. I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I remember saying that one thing that is really hitting me lately is that we can never really know everything about a person. We only know them from our relationship with them. We know our parents, friends, lovers, children from that relationship with them. Our parents are our parents and because of that relationship, I believe that no matter what we really can only see a small part of who they are. I hope that at least someone is following my train of thought. Anywoo, so on my journey to open my heart more and only feel love and openness to everyone, I am making a ton of progress. My days of chanting and being held in the womb of Omega really helped that. My heart feels open and I feel these very gentle and very powerful shifts taking place in me. I see more clearly how we are all exactly where we need to be at every moment and we are perfect.

The other big thing I am working on is to feel loved and protected by the Universe or God. To really know deep inside me that everything is fine and that I am safe. I have never felt that way. I feel like there is always this tension in my body that is waiting for the next bad thing to happen. That is how my life was for so long that it seems to have been so ingrained that it is hard to let go of. I want to really be able to lean with all of me into the amazing stream of love that is available to all of us and feel totally loved and supported. I think that is what I love about water. I love that if you can relax your body totally that you are supported and can just float. That is really how I want to live my life. That doesn't mean I don't believe in working hard. It means that I really believe that if you can just relax and trust that amazing things will happen. If only I found that easier to do. I am working towards that in this endless stage of growth and change. Boy life really is beautiful!

Ecstatic chant....

I went to the Ecstatic Chant weekend at Omega over Labor Day weekend. I cannot express in words how incredibly amazing it was. I will be going there every year now. It was really one of the most amazing experiences that I have ever had. There was tons of dancing, singing, chanting, clapping and very little sleeping. My heart blew open. It cleared so much from me. It left me feeling more like my authentic self than ever before. I can see my life before me so much clearer. I feel so much more accepting and loving towards everyone. I am forever changed!!!

Patience and Alice.

This is a word I really need to see a lot and be reminded of. Patience can be so difficult and I feel like I have been patient for so long. As I often write about, I am in such a time of transition and really have been for the last four years. That sounds crazy doesn't it? Four years sounds like such a long time to be in this kind of stuck/lost place. Part of it is an astrological transit I am going though. I am Alice in Wonderland at the moment. I have journeyed deep down the rabbit hole. I have been finding all these parts of myself that I had lost or I never knew that I had. I have learned so much about myself. I feel like I am being born again many times a day. It is a wild ride. It has been a wild ride I really would like to be able to get off soon. It's time!

It's time for me to feel more settled, more confident, more loved, more calm, more joy and basically more found. Sometimes I get this kind of panic rising up in me. Panic about how I will ever actually make enough money to support myself in a way that is authentic to who I am. Panic that I will never feel any of these things that I need more of. Panic that I will never find someone I love deeply and who loves me deeply back. When this panic arises, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be and that I already am more than I can even imagine.

Phases.

We all go through phases in our lives. Sometimes I want to immerse myself into the world of literature and writing. That often means that I do more blogging. These days I don't want to write. I also don't seem to want to pull my camera out to document my day's happenings. What do I want to do? I want to knit and crochet beautiful things. I want to sew myself some new pants with organic cotton fabrics. I want to cook amazing things like homemade pita, falafel, tomato bisque, corn chowder and eat lots of yummy garden fresh tomatoes. I want to listen to music and lay in savasana for long periods of time.

I get weekly vedic astrology updates from David Hawthorne. This weeks horoscope for everyone said to "write off August." There was more but that part cracked me up. So, yep, I am trying to take a bit of a break and do things that feed me.

What feeds you? I would love to know!

This weekend.

farmers markets (2 of them)
yoga
reading outside
knitting
crocheting
playing
mantra
lentils
melons
olives
and lots of yumminess!

Some things are just meant to be.

For a few weeks I have had the feeling that I need to go to this Ecstatic Chant weekend at Omega. It isn't very far from where I am living and I don't think I will live here too much longer. I have never even been to an official kirtan before. For this to be my first is amazing! It isn't cheap and I was pretty worried about the money. Last week I sent an email to a friend of my mom's to ask him about it because he has gone for the last five years. Much to my shock and amazement he offered to give me a big chunk of money upfront to be able to go. He had been thinking that he would love to help someone financially to get to go to this amazing event. I am going to trade him some acupuncture treatments for his generosity. I guess I really am meant to go. I am finally opening up to the Universe and accepting abundance into my life. I guess it's ok to accept a little help from others. One day I know I will have the opportunity to do the same for someone else.

Want to know more about it? Click here!

Quiet.

This week I have been way busier than I would like to have been. I ended up doing a lot of difficult shamanic work this week and I really just want to be alone but that hasn't really been possible. The only things that have been really helping me to stay sane this week are yoga and knitting.

I finished this sweater this week. I used this pattern but made some modifications. One of the complaints that a lot of people seem to have with this pattern is that the arms are super narrow. I do not and probably never will have skinny arms so I went a little crazy making them wider. I could tell after a couple rows that they were rather huge but I decided to make them into a bit of a bell sleeve. I decreased a little around the elbows but it is still a bit baggy there. I like the overall feel though and it will be fabulous in the winter with a long sleeve shirt underneath. Oh and I know it's not the best pic but oh well. I can't work on perfection with that right now.




This weekend I learn to crochet. I am starting with a rather ambitious project that I learned about here, on Anna Maria's blog.I don't see any reason for me to start with a project that is too simple.

I guess I better get some studying in along the way. :) Can't put it off too long.

My list for August..

1. Do yoga a minimum of 4x a week.
2. Continue getting out into nature for a walk or run a few times a week.
3. Finish knitting my sweater.
4. FInish knitting the purse from years ago.
5. Be kinder to myself.
6. Go to a farmer's market every weekend.
7. Have a picnic outside even if it's only in backyard.
8. Start quilting something...a beach blanket, table runner, something...
9. Make at least one yummy vegan brunch.
10. Schedule my Chinese herbs NCCAOM test (done September 22 is the date) and study for it.
11. Eat as much fresh produce as possible!
12. Plant my tulsi and white sage seeds in pots.
13. Learn to crochet.
14. Patch the holes in the kitchen walls and prep for painting.

The process.

I can't believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted. Time sure does fly by. I don't think that I have gone into too much detail about the shamanism that I study. I felt like doing that today. I am currently reading this book. My shamanic teacher told me to read it. It is basically the same lineage I am studying. It's nice to see a bunch of stuff written down. It is not a written tradition but I am so visual that it is nice to see some of the words ect. In the book, Alberto Villodo, discusses how the earlier stages of training are about separating the shaman from their individual story and really knowing how we are totally one with everything around us. For some reason seeing it written in that way made something shift in me. I feel like I have a better understanding as to why so much of my past has really been popping up in dreams and in the things that happen to me in everyday life. I really am purging my past. It is coming up so that it can be released. Things and people are showing up in my life so that I can truly deal with my issues, learn from them and then release them. The only way to truly be neutral when working with people is to have released much of our own crap that we all tend to carry around.

One of the biggest things I am noticing is how much people are totally in their heads. There is so much study about different forms of spirituality in our country today. This is a good thing. The thing is that so much of it becomes so intellectualized that it stays all in the mind and not really in the heart. When I first moved to Boulder a few years ago, I was at a little import shop with a friend. I won't go into the entire story as to why but two 40 something women actually started to get into a physical confrontation over who was a more devout Buddhist. Ok ladies, aren't we missing one of the major beliefs in Buddhism, no violence. I mean seriously people. The world is such a fascinating place, isn't it? I will admit that I am noticing these things so much right now because I am really shifting out of that head space and into the heart space. It is so weird how many shifts occur when this happens. I am a lot calmer now. I have more faith that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be at this particular moment in time.

I can feel magical events happening all around me. I am so excited to see where my life will lead. There are big changes in the air. I can't wait!!

For Miles.

To remind me that he is usually a lot happier. He is finding the hot, humid weather depressing, as am I.

Staying rooted in the present.

I haven't really wanted to write lately. I haven't wanted to be here in this blog. I really have been projecting myself into the future, so excited about all the possibilities that I have had to try to pull myself back. I have moments of being present. I am present when I practice yoga. I am present when I meditate and connect with the Earth. I am present as I hold my mala beads in my hand and chant. I am also present when I put on my shaman hat and work with people and their spirits. I am thankful for my break from acupuncture right now. It is necessary for me to step into the Earth and the shaman part of me before I can pick up the acupuncture needles and feel better about them.

I was going to say that the problem is that all the rest of the time my head is in the clouds. But isn't there something about your head being in the clouds and your feet firmly planted in the Earth. Maybe that is where I am these days.

Yum!

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. Meet the first blueberry pie I have ever made. It's all from scratch and all vegan!!

A little help?

I am thinking about starting a couple of regular topics on here. Like a couple special days devoted to special topics. I could talk about medicinal herbs, yoga and movement, plant based food as medicine, knitting/sewing, meditation, hmm and probably a bunch of other things.

I am thinking definitely Medicinal Herb Tuesday. That would be interesting to me because one of my goals is to learn more about locally available herbs and plants. I spent years studying Chinese herbal medicine which is incredible but I think it makes way more sense that medicines needed in a certain area probably already grow there. Why should we be importing our medicine from China?

What else do you think I should talk about on a regular basis?

A little inspiration.

I first went to a seminar with David Crow in Albuquerque, NM in May 2004. Then years later he did some lectures in Savannah, GA while I was living there. I am totally inspired by his teachings and his message. He was teaching about local, low cost plant medicine and essential oils when I first heard him speak and his business and teachings have only expanded. He is trained as an acupuncturist and spent many years studying native, plant-based medicines in Nepal and India. He wrote about his studies in his book In Search of the Medicine Buddha which I would highly recommend to anyone interested in these topics.
Anyway, there appears to be a new venture by his company Floracopeia which I am only to happy to assist and promote. Watch the video and search around his Floracopeia site. Allow yourself to be amazed and buy some oils. Once you use Floracopeia's you will never buy any others. I know when I am feeling down and uninspired reading about David's work always helps to re-energize me. I will be eternally grateful for that.
With love, Sara

Video: Welcome to MedicineCrow!

A little sleep would be nice...

Ok so it's the middle of the night and I can't get to sleep. Maybe it was from the new form of meditation I decided to try this evening. I am not sure but I think I will try it in the morning for the next few days. My cat Benny is pretty upset because he thought he had finally scored my office chair for the night but sorry kitty, not quite yet it seems. A lot of pretty odd things circle around my head on nights like these. Tonight I am feeling really not like myself. I am feeling like I left a huge part of myself somewhere else. I guess basically that I haven't been at all myself for the last couple of years. What the hell happened? Ok I don;t really want to try to figure that out. I really just want to retrieve myself.

My mind wondered to an old friend of mine. We spent a lot of time together and out of the blue he would say he felt like a tortoise, a sloth, a tiger, a bear, a cat, a weasel, or a spineless jellyfish. :) OK maybe I added the last couple just to give myself a little laugh but you get the picture. That got me trying to think about what animal I am these days. Hmm, lets see, assorted road kill maybe? I can feel the tortoise thing myself these days. A bird who hasn't yet learned to fly that is just cheeping away but really know one gives a shit? Ok we are getting closer. Maybe a tiger pacing around in a zoo that is way too small for them?: Oh, or a snake who is just getting ready to shed it's skin so it finds a rock to kind of rub against to get the skin to come off? Yeah, we are getting there. I kinda like the last 2.

So if I'm the tiger....how do I escape this zoo I currently find myself in? If I am the snake....how do I find just the right rock to rub against?

If anyone actually followed this and knows what in the hell I am talking about then let me know and then maybe you can explain it to me.:)

With love, Sara the snake? tiger?

Finding my style.

I am traveling through the lovely process of finding my style in life. I am not talking about just a decorative sense. I am finding my style of how to work with people with the healing work that I do. Finding my style with how I live my life. Finding my style with the way that I nourish the relationships in my life. Finding my style with the way that I love.

I have been reading many beautiful blogs lately and sometimes I feel so plain and uninspiring next to them. Not just as a blog but as a person. I say that and I automatically judge that as being a really horrible thing to say but it is there and to ignore it is not useful. That is why I say I am finding my style. Searching out what inspires and resonates with me and finding a way to have a little more of that in my life.

This process of opening my heart and emerging as someone I never knew I could be is not an easy one but it is infinitely powerful and one day I will look back at this time with love and know that all the work was so incredibly worth it.

With love, Sara


Sadie has been with me for so much of this process. She had it tough her first couple years and spent way more time alone than I would ever allow now.

Werewolves or vampires?

Can you guess what this is about? Yep, Twilight. I LOVED the books. So far I have only liked the movies. I have yet to see Eclipse but I do plan on going this week. I love going to movies when it is hot and steamy outside. It sounds like this is going to be the perfect week for that. I love a good love story although I am definitely not obsessed with the books and movies like many are. Last week I had a few conversations about the Eclipse movie with friends that have already seen it. One said, "If given the choice between werewolves and vampires, I would pick werewolves." That got me thinking. What would I choose? (disclaimer, I do think that Edward and Bella were meant to be together and were totally touched by their story) If it were me though I would also choose werewolves. Why, you wonder? Well if you look at it reasonably Edward is not very friendly, not so good at sharing his feeling and keeps everything bottled up, he does what he thinks is best for Bella not really taking into account what she wants, he takes off and leaves her on a couple of occasions and he feels like he is made of stone and is ice cold. Jacob, one the other hand, is pretty much always there for her, is open with his emotions, tells her how he feels and isn't scared of it, is warm and friendly, is physically warm and does not feel like stone. Yep, so in the past, I will admit that I have been attracted to a couple of Edward types. Now I choose the Jacob types. I need someone who is warm, loving, open and not scared to be vulnerable. Bring it on, Universe!!!
With love, Sara

Guess what I did today?

More things homemade..

I found a blog recently that I love. As I was reading through some of the archives I found this recipe for laundry soap. It is super easy, cheap and works wonderfully. I wanted to share it. I found many other inspiring projects while I was there so look around a bit.



For those of you who know me and know my cat Smokey, I thought you would appreciate this pic of him and his typical annoyed expression. I wasn't giving him nearly enough attention I guess.

Weekend loveliness.

On their way out but still beautiful.

Growing big and strong.

Yumminess!

Flower gorgeousness!

One of my many constant companions.


I'm finally getting my sewing area up and running.

Creating community.

I have been reading a bunch of stuff this morning about the "New Earth" and all the planetary shifts going on right now. There is a huge amount to say about this topic but I am going to stick to the community part of it. In American culture and a lot of other cultures around the world there is a lot of separation.

My mind drifts to the story of the Lost Boys of Sudan, a large group of boys that were uprooted from their homes because of fighting between the Muslims and Catholics in Sudan. (that is a way oversimplification of a very complicated issue but I will leave it at that) The first time I heard about this was probably sometime around 1991. I was in High School. My family lived in Europe and I went to school at an international school on a Nato base in Belgium. We were visiting an Irish priest we knew who was a chaplain in the American Army. He lived in Holland at that time. He had 2 other visitors on this trip, a German priest and a teenage boy from Sudan that the priest was helping. My brother and I spent most of the night talking with this boy. He told us about his life and how he ended up in Germany. He talked about the separation and loneliness that came with Western culture. It was something he had not known as a boy living in the refuge camps with hundreds of others like him. I have read of this over and over again when reading about the Lost Boys experiences in the United States and in Western Europe.

I often think about the huge houses that many Americans live in and how each child has their own room from the time they are a newborn. I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to live in a 5000 square foot home and that is considered small by many. The cleaning alone would do me in. I think about how many people I know who are on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I totally think that they serve an important purpose and am not criticizing anyone for being on them but I think a lot of the depression and anxiety comes from all the separation that we feel, not to mention the foods that people put in their mouths, but that is for another time. There is so much focus on how much stuff we have and not who we are. Some people are depressed and anxious by falling into this trap and others are depressed and anxious because they can't to survive in a world that works like this.

That is changing. I can see it and I can feel it. I envision a future for myself and many others where we feel supported by each other and the Universe as a whole. I see a future where people are a lot happier and more fulfilled with their lives. The key to this is to cultivate the positive relationships in our lives and seek new, beautiful, supportive ones, get "quiet" enough to let your spirit speak to you about what is really important to you and then find a way to do it. We all make things way too difficult and separate ourselves when we do not need to be. It is all about community and love. I really believe that if we can work together and support each other, we will help create all the shifts needed to make this world beautiful beyond belief.

So many beautiful places.

Sometimes I like to daydream about all the amazing places I could live. I miss the high desert of New Mexico. That area holds an intense spiritual energy that really fills my soul in so many ways. There are also a ton of people there that are a lot like me and that would be nice. I miss Southern California and it's gorgeous weather and beauty. I am just not sure that the overall values of the area gel that much with mine. Part of me would love to explore farther up the West Coast like Northern California, Oregon and Washington. I was born just across the river from Portland in Vancouver, Washington so maybe the Pacific Northwest is in my blood. I am not sure I could handle the rain though. I love the sun!!! Sometimes I think that Canada would be nice. I am not sure how easy it would be for me to move there but I am amused by the accents and it is such a peaceful country when compared with the US. Hmm, then again how about somewhere in Central America or the Caribbean, I love the beach, warmth and a really laid back lifestyle.

Boy there are a lot of choices!! What are some of your favorite places?

Update: Oops, I forgot about Colorado and the Boulder, Denver, Longmont area. I know the most amazing people there and miss one of my friends dearly but I had so much trouble with the elevation and the cold weather. The values of the area do combine pretty well with mine though. Where oh where will I ever end up?

Oh how I miss....

the ocean and the beach. These were taken in Del Mar, California. I can be having the worst day and a walk on the beach will always make me feel better. I miss it there so much!! Going to the beach on the East Coast only makes me miss the west more. Maybe it is because I was born in Washington. There is seriously an ache in my heart when I look at these pictures.

My Altar.

Here are some of my favorite things that I currently keep on my altar. It is not all styled perfectly but everything is where it feels like it needs to be. Sometimes the spirit part overtakes where I actually think that something may look prettier. The wooden Ganesh and stone Buddha were brought back from India by my amazing friend Megan. The pottery is made by my mother. I got the rattle from one of my shamanic teachers. It is from Peru. The feathers are from my friend Christia. The stones, or my medicine mesa, are mostly from my childhood rock collection. They are from the Black Hills of South Dakota. The blue cloth is from one of my acupuncture school teachers who first taught me how to do a shamanic journey. The wooden insense holder is from someone who was very important to me for many years. There are also a couple of things given to me by past patients that can not be seen very well in pictures as well as a small bag from Peru given to me by my other shamanic teacher.

Do you have anywhere that you keep things important to you? What are they?

Questions on love, fear and moving forward.

I think that there are a lot of people who wouldn't see me as a fearful person but really I have been in many ways. I am brave in certain ways. I think nothing of moving across the country by myself. I have driven back and forth across the US a couple of times all alone. I have taken a path is is not necessarily the norm. I think that a big part of the fear is in admitting what I really want out of life. I put a lot of focus on my work. I spent all of my 20's in college. I pushed away certain healthier relationships because I didn't want to be distracted from my school work. I ran away and focused on school because I felt that I really couldn't trust anyone but myself. Maybe that has been my experience in much of my life but that doesn't mean that it has to be my experience for the rest of my life.

The funny thing is that I am a relationship type of person. I like being around other people. I am very loving. I am good at compromise. I really believe that life is about love and our relationships with those around us. Oddly, although I know these things in my heart, I often allowed myself to lead with my head which told me that depending on other people isn't safe.

I am realizing and admitting so many things about myself lately. I am super passionate about certain things like writing, teaching about food, health, balance and related things, studying and practicing shamanism, and doing creative projects. I also love working from home. I love cooking and taking care of those I love. I love children and animals. I don't really care that much about making tons of money, being well known and advancing in my career. I do care about being in an an amazing relationship and being surrounded by friends, love, family and children. I am not sure how to get to some of these points. I am meeting less men now than ever in my life. I have a really hard time with the energy in NY and just want to return somewhere in the western US, although I am not sure exactly where. If I continue to focus on making more money so I can afford to move is that only continuing with my dysfunctional habit of only focusing on work? Those are questions I am marinating in these days.

Balance and chocolate cake.

This morning for breakfast I had a lovely piece of chocolate cake. It was pretty small, organic, vegan and I had it with a huge glass of water but it was still cake for breakfast. This is quite a bit different from my typical morning. It is not uncommon for me to have lentil soup or even leafy greens to start off my day. But hey if life is partially about having balance than cake for breakfast on occasion may actually be helpful. I remember one of my teachers in acupuncture school would occasionally venture to Blakes in Albuquerque for a quick burger and fries before clinic. He said his teacher told him that it was homeopathic. I always liked that. Ah, how I do miss NM but that is for another post.

Maybe I woke up this morning thinking about finding more of a balance in my life. Yesterday in my healing/mentoring session with the shaman I work with, we worked on some big stuff. Well big but small at the same time. I have moved out such huge stuff lately that all this work is like doing the final sweeping of the old house before moving on to a new house. I had a hard time figuring out how to word that but hopefully it makes some sense. I also got more of a grasp on my issues with acupuncture lately. I took more of a leap into being really honest about what I want in my life. I was able to see more clearly how much I categorize things as a way to make sense of this crazy life and am limited by that categorization. All of this work is amazing and exhausting. I feel like a true spiritual warrior that needed a little cake refill. :)

So what do these changes and realizations mean in a more practical sense? Yep, I am working on that. I need to start putting more focus on my personal life. I don't want the entire focus of my life to be work but work has been my entire focus and that isn't making me happy. Although I don't expect to have heard back from a publisher yet about my kid's book, I am thinking that maybe no matter what I want to publish it and market it on my own. I have some amazing ideas for it that really feel right to me. I am getting back to working with my hands.....sewing, knitting, and being creative. I am still cooking and learning about food and on and on and on. So many many things.

What do I need in my life?

LOVE, ART, CREATIVITY, CURIOSITY, GROWTH, MAGIC, MIRACLES, BRAVERY, OPENNESS, CONNECTION, PEACE


What are some things that you would like in your life? I would love to hear!!

Inspiration.

I feel like I am on the verge of so many changes. It is such a weird place to be. It takes great patience. Last night I had a couple of ideas that feel really good, really solid. Lets see what happens.

Some things I find beautiful.

Today I feel a bit crappy. My head is pounding and I do not know why. It doesn't happen often. Here are some things that cheered me up.

Yay! The Garden!

I am so happy that the garden is doing so well this year. Last year it was so wet that basically everything drowned.

Please pardon the mess.

I am trying to make my blog a little more me. It may take me a little while to get to look like what I want it to. I lose my patience after about 20 min of working on it so I have to keep stepping away. It is going to look wonderful when I am done so stay tuned for my fabulous updated blog!

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.— Carlos Castaneda

Once

Once I thought skunks were kinda cute. I don't anymore. Once Miles liked to chase skunks. After burning eye pain and three baths, I am hoping he no longer likes to chase them. Now Miles is depressed and because I decided that as long as Miles was getting bathed that Sadie might as well also, Sadie is depressed too.

This is why people think I must use drugs.

I took a nap today because I got woken up way earlier than I had planned and I was exhausted. As I was starting to wake up I heard the beep of my cell phone telling me I was receiving text messages. I picked up my phone to look. A friend sent me pics of her very beautiful new paintings. She then called me on the phone to see how I liked them. At one point in the conversation, she said I was being quiet and asked what I was thinking. It went something like this, "Hmm, I am not sure. There were not words attached to it. Wait, I wonder if that is normal. Is that a change or have I always thought without words. It was just pictures. Hmm, I wonder." The response from my friend was, "and you're not on drugs?" I get that a lot.

I'm feeling a little guilty...

for mentioning the dogs but not the kitties. I have a soft spot for animals. I take in strays a bit more than I should. If I had more money or stability in my life I probably would have taken in foster kids also. Its so hard for me to deal with any living creature being alone and lonely. So here is my little bunch of kitties. I love them but I do get a bit overwhelmed by the fur and the litter. I do an awful lot of cleaning and somehow things still often look messy. Oh well, is having a spotless house really that important?

Forward Movement!

I have been feeling a little stuck lately. I have still been having the focusing problem I talked about earlier. I have so many projects going on but realize that I really need to get some done. I needed to get out a query letter to a publisher that we recently found for the kids book that I wrote and my friend Christia illustrated. I have written a couple but I don't like them. I am finally almost finished with one that I actually like. Ugh! Then I have to finish up another book I have been working on. Then I need to figure out what I want to sell at the etsy shop Christia and I are going to do. Then studying for a big test to switch my acupuncture certification and on and on and on. Oh and my shamanic studies and my food cooking. Yeah so a lot of stuff. I jsut have a really great feeling that all these things are leading me in an amazing direction!! Ok well, enough blogging and on to one of my other 19 zillion projects.

I don't know where to start.

I am feeling many internal shifts lately. I spent a weekend doing "shaman stuff". It was amazing and life changing. On Sunday afternoon, after it all I had to go to the grocery store. It felt so weird to be inside and to not have a rattle in my hand. I like that about my life. It feels weird to not be in ceremony or ritual.

Weekends like that often lead me rather at a loss for words though. This is tough when trying to finish a couple of writing projects, write a blog and deal with acupuncture patients that are very mainstream. I can't wait to be somewhere way less mainstream. I will truly be able to appreciate it!

This weekend I had more shamanic rites given to me. I had tears streaming down my cheeks for most of it. One of them was to connect our minds to our hearts so we are always leading with our hearts. I think that is so powerful and I can feel that seed rooting in me so deeply.

There are seeds taking root inside of me. I don't know exactly what they are but I do know that they have to do with me working more with shamanism and food. I also know that they involve me bringing and allowing more love into my life than I ever knew was possible. I wish that for all of you too! Love, Sara

Wimpy dogs and other thoughts.

I have really been feeling like going camping lately. I have been having a hard time making myself take the time out and wasn't sure where to go. I decided to do a little backyard camping. It was going to be a warm couple of nights. The dogs were not that enthused but they like to be where I am so I kept them out with me. They both begrudgingly stayed out there. At about 2am the wind started picking up and Sadie woke me up whining. She had enough and when I opened the tent to make sure the fly was on in case it started raining, she made a run for the back door begging me to let her inside. I gave up and we went in.
Oh well, at least I got a little time out in nature, sort of. For a couple of days while the tent was still up I got to hang out there and read during the day. Now I really need to actually go camping!!

I think that one of the most important things I have been learning lately is about being connected to nature. That is what the shamanic study is giving me. Sometimes I waffle back and forth about what I want to study and with whom but then I think of my growing connection to the land, the trees, and all the plants and I know that I am doing the right thing. I still get hives and welts from touching a lot of the plants but maybe that will go away. My shamanic teacher said that was about my not feeling safe and feeling like I am being attacked by some unseen force so my body is hypersensitive to everything. It makes sense on a certain level. I don't consciously spend a lot of time worrying about my safety but I do know that I have a hard time trusting. Trusting people, trusting the Universe, trusting just about everything. I can feel that shifting now. I wonder where it will lead?

There are a lot of things I don't know. Infinitely more than I do know but one thing I am working on is to do a little less thinking and a lot more just being. We will see how that goes.

From the hearts of friends.

I got an email from a friend of mine the other day. One of my very wonderful friends, who I now live very far from. She said," i just love where your life heads and what clarity you have of just trusting where you are in life." This really made me think a lot. At first I thought that I must not be doing a very good job explaining where I am because I am not trusting it. Then I realized that she is right. She was picking up on something that I did not know about myself.

If I look at my life through the eyes of typical American values then we can say that I am a bit of a mess. I am 33. I have a really expensive education. I was in college straight though until I was 29. I can't decide where I want to live. I have a career that usually requires starting a business because there are very few salaried jobs. If I can't decide where to live then how am I to really put a ton of energy into starting a business? I sort of half ass it. I am good at what I do so I get some patients wherever I am but never enough to really support myself. So here I am living in my mom's basement, treating a few patients a week, cooking all the time, studying about food and shamanism, doing a trade with a shaman to learn from her and basically biding my time. Yeah, so not following the norm. My mom occasionally says things to me like, "when I was your age, I was married and had 2 kids." She was but she was horribly unhappy.

I am following what my spirit knows it needs to do right now. I am learning about parts of myself I have lost or never knew existed to begin with. I am birthing a new part of myself before I go out into the world again and help others in a whole different way than I ever knew was possible.

Truth be told, I do not even know exactly what I want out of life. I want to live in a place that feeds my soul. I want to have many wonderful friends and family around me. I want to be in a stable, loving, supportive relationship. I may want children but I feel like I really won't know that until I am with someone that I would want to have children with. I want to do work, the work that I know I am here to do but am not exactly sure exactly what that looks like.

So yes, I am trusting where I am in my life. I just didn't know it. I am giving myself time to really find out who I am all the way to the core. Then I can live my life in a very authentic way. I can then be happier than I can even imagine. I am pretty happy now too. I am learning to enjoy and see the beauty in the journey. It's not a bad place to be.

Too those of you who don't approve, I send you light and love and as politely as possible. ask you to buzz off.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friend Christi for seeing this important part of me!

Cows.

I bet you are wondering about why I am calling this post cows. Weird name, huh? One of the things I am working on right now is to start seeing the love or nectar that is in my life and really appreciate it. I am basically a pretty positive, non-depressed person but I am always focused on healing and clearing old stuff out of me. I am always working on one thing or another. I am rather a workaholic but not in a way that makes me much money at this point in my life. So anyway, I am switching my awareness and seeing the beauty in everything.
Last night when I was trying to get to sleep, I had a flash of the cows I used to pass when I ran in High School. My family was living in Belgium. I was super unhappy with my body so I did a lot of running. I was always focused on getting skinnier and basically running away from everything that was going on at home. Last night I really saw the beauty in running through the Belgian farmland. The cows lounging around everywhere that would watch me as I ran. My neighbors had a donkey that I always stopped to say hi to.
Last night before I went to sleep, I changed that memory of self-loathing and escape to one of love and peace. I could practically smell the earthy, wet, Belgian smell. I could feel the pavement under my feet. I could feel the love for those beautiful animals whose suffering I am no longer a part of because I don't consume any animal products.
I pray that we can all release those old negative ways of feeling and living and step into the love and light that the new world has to offer.

Come on focus, where did you go?

I am trying way too hard to think of something interesting to write. Thinking too hard is probably the problem. My mind is all swirly with thinking about foods to cook, ways to make money, shamanic stuff I am working on, exercises I can do and so many, many things. I just can't seem to focus on one. So here is a photo of the very lovely, sensitive dog, Miles. This is from a couple days ago. Today he is still upset because I wouldn't let him meet the appliance delivery person. He loves meeting new people.

In the beginning....

I've been struggling with this whole blog thing for awhile. I started one about my journey towards veganism a few months ago but it bored me. I didn't only want to write about food. There are a bunch of blogs about food. I love some of them but I like to know more about people. I really enjoy hearing people's stories. They fascinate me. I find that I really enjoy the ones where people talk about everything....their great pains and their great joys. Life does have both. Without dark, there isn't light ect. ect. For me it has been really difficult to be put myself out there so much over the internet. In my normal life, I am not capable of being superficial. I have to talk to people on a really deep, heart centered level but that has been difficult for me to do online. I had some inspiration though so I will try to push past my shyness. I found a blog I love last week and I literally read it all weekend like it was Twilight or something. If you haven't already check out boho girls page.

So anyway, my goal is to use this a little bit more as a journal to share more about myself and my path. My path is pretty jagged and unconventional. I would not have it any other way. I have a feeling that if I can really be authentic then I may actually meet some people out here in this crazy cyber world that are the same.

I am sending you all so much love...oh and asking you all to send as much light and love to our beautiful Mother Earth and all of our animal brothers and sisters who are suffering because of the oil in the Gulf.